The greatest scar left by a narcissist is the inability to trust yourself or your reality. I grew up with a narcissist (at least, according to my therapist!) and I’ve dated one (according to me) and they both had the same effect on my intuition and my sense of knowing: they’d warp it somehow, and soften it, making it quieter and less secure. The pang in my gut that I would get when something felt off, for example. The pang would still pound in my stomach, but the judgments and realizations that typically come from that pang would never materialize and make it up to my brain. My heart would ache if they disappointed me, but empathy would rush in, quickly, to paper over the pain with understanding. I’d hear them make a promise, or a commitment, and then they’d break it and then make it my fault - or worse - successfully convince me the promise never existed to begin with. I’d watch them be someone in public, and someone completely different in private, and feel uneasy over which one was real. They each created a reality distortion field where I couldn’t determine truth from fiction or trust my basic sense of which was which.
I grew up with a narcissist (at least, according to my therapist!) and I’ve dated one (according to me) and they both had the same effect on my intuition and my sense of knowing: they’d warp it somehow, and soften it, making it quieter and less secure.
Rebuilding my self-trust has taken me years of therapy, journaling, medication, and self compassion. And honestly, I found both the narcissistic k-hole and the healing process to be equally taxing. Because healing requires you to confront yourself: the needs you never vocalized, but secretly have; the behaviors you put up with but truly despised; the boundaries you needed to keep but never held; the conversations you should have had when you stayed silent; the sacrifices you didn’t make because you were comfortable. This is a different newsletter *vibe* than my standard fare - a little less c*nt and a little more woo woo - but I’ve given a lot of real estate to work burnout, relationship burnout, and toxic friendships. And I want everyone reading who is healing from something or someone to know that setting boundaries for the first time is also emotionally exhausting and fucking scary. Speaking up about your needs for the first time is also emotionally taxing and fucking scary. As is having hard conversations, making sacrifices, and inconveniencing your life in the short-term to protect and honor Future You. But doing all that stuff is what cultivates and cements your self-trust: making tough calls that, after looking inward, you know are in your ultimate best interest.
And there is no shame in that. Even if the people who benefit from your confusion lead you to believe that putting yourself first is a crime.
It’s not.
And I want everyone reading who is healing from something or someone to know that setting boundaries for the first time is also emotionally exhausting and fucking scary.
In my experience, if you’re in the haze of self-doubt or lack conviction in your beliefs or decisions or even your reality, you need to pause, and breathe, and then ask yourself what you want: whether it’s for breakfast, your weekend plans, who you want to be with, or where you want to live and who you want to be in ten years. And then, it’s about allowing yourself to want that, and telling yourself it’s okay to want it. Do you want a parent who initiates repair instead of expecting you, a 6 year old girl, to apologize? You’re allowed to want that. Do you want a boyfriend who listens to your needs and validates them, and makes proactive changes in his life to support you? You’re allowed to want that. Do you want your chronically late friend to show up on time to your plans? You’re allowed to want that. Do you want to surround yourself with people who can take accountability? Makes sense to me.
Self-trust starts with knowing what you want, then validating what you want. Only then can you measure your decisions and the state of your reality accurately. If it makes it any easier, think of trust as a tool, rather than a destination. If you want to build a house (the outcome, the destination), then you trust you can use poured concrete and rebar to start because they’ve been used on zillions of homes before. If you want your closest friends to be able to take accountability of their actions, then you trust moving on from that constantly-“victimy” friend will only support your goals. If you don’t, you’re actively denying yourself what you want. If you want your perpetually late friend to show up on-time for drinks, you trust telling her “hey - it’s really important to me that you get better about your time management, It really blows when I have to wait for you every time for thirty minutes,” will only support her meeting your expectations. Once you know the outcome you want, you can trust the steps you’re taking to get there.
Keep trusting, and talk soon,
Xo
Ali 🧘♀️